Domestic Violence

To Stop Violence, Men Must Come Off the Sidelines

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The men who gather in Boston on March 7 are doing the right thing. But we can't stop the violence against women unless we get all those male bystanders to start jumping in.




The White Ribbon Campaign: Men Working to end Men's Violence Against Women

Credit: NOWCastSA on Flickr, under Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0).

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(WOMENSENEWS)-- What about the men who are trying to do the right thing?

That was the thought I had the other day after hearing what was intended as an innocuous joke.

"If you took a vote on which is the better gender," a female friend said, "men would come in second."

The wry smile that crossed my face quickly faded. Society is so often poised to castigate men that even those working to redefine manhood and masculine culture are mostly invisible.

On March 7, at the Massachusetts statehouse in Boston, that will change.

As for the past five years, several hundred men--peace ambassadors from across Massachusetts--will gather for a public event highlighting men's commitment to preventing violence against women.

We are part of Massachusetts White Ribbon Day, an event aimed at both older and younger men.

The began in Canada in response to the Dec. 6, 1989, mass murder at l'Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal. A man stormed into the college, murdered 14 women and then shot himself.

Commemorated as Canada's National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women, it has grown into an international campaign with activities at various times of the year in dozens of countries around the world.

A Call to Men

The gathering is both a commemoration and a call to men to redouble our efforts in addressing the domestic and sexual violence crisis plaguing society.

The campaign is coordinated by , the Massachusetts coalition against sexual assault and domestic violence whose members include battered women's organizations and rape crisis centers across the Commonwealth.

Male ambassadors are a key part of Jane Doe's strategy to encourage more men to work to prevent violence against women.

"The vast majority of men want to do the right thing, to speak up and speak out against the minority of men who perpetrate violence," said Craig Norberg-Bohm, who coordinates Jane Doe's men's initiative. "As men wake up to the injustice that women face, they become enthusiastic about becoming involved."

As International Women's Day approaches, it is a good time to recognize a missing component in the violence equation society is trying to solve.

On one side are well-meaning men like White Ribbon Day ambassadors; on the other are men acting abusively. In between, and missing from the equation, are bystanders; the overwhelming majority of men who are neither peace ambassadors nor agents of violence.

They hold the answer to what kind of manhood society will embrace.

If they stand silently by, the abusers will mistakenly believe they are condoning their violence, and the ambassadors of peace will think they don't care.

A Community Issue

The truth is, all men need to recognize that violence against women--whether a domestic violence murder in New York or a gang rape in New Delhi--is not a women's issue but a community issue. It is high time for bystanders to leave the sidelines and take a stand so their sons won't have to ask, "Dad, what are you waiting for?"

At the Boston statehouse on March 7 all the men in the room, including high school and college students, will stand to recite the White Ribbon pledge promising "to be part of the solution in ending violence against women."

The pledge is a starting point--a spark for discussions in service clubs, houses of worship, classrooms and locker rooms. Positive actions will hopefully spring from those conversations in such forms as school campaigns promoting respect and faith communities inviting anti-violence speakers to the Sabbath pulpit.

White Ribbon Day commemorations remind us of the efforts some men are making to reshape masculinity. Still, we cannot wish away the damaging impact of conventional expressions of masculinity; that too many men exert power and control over others, often the women in their lives, as a way to mask their insecurity with life's challenges.

As more men question what it means to be a man, it's a good opportunity to also consider what they wish for their sons, grandsons and brothers. Are we nearing the day when we define manhood by a man's capacity to be compassionate and nurturing as well as strong and decisive? I hope so.

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I do agree that men should step-up and participate in the fight to end violence against women. This is an issue that has been going on for decades and no one will admit that so many women, each year, are losing their lives at the hands of people that once said I love you. And the said thing about it, their are laws against violent crimes, but the crimes against women are treated as separate issues. Some women lose their lives by the hands of strangers, simply because they are women. I am a victim of domestic violence. My ex-husband use to beat me for no reason. I guess he looked at me and thought, it seems like a good day to beat the heck out of my wife. He was an alcoholic and when he had one too many drinks, I would become his punching bag, and a lot of times, so did our children. I am no longer married to him, but it took my over 20 years to cut myself loose from his manipulation. I pray that as men join in the fight to help women, they will begin to touch other men to step-up and be men. I wonder, if the men that refuse to join this fight, are men that also abuse their spouses, or mates. I find that a lot of time, people shy-a-way from most issues that they too, are guilty of, or have been involved in at some point in their lives. Thank you so much for letting me share my thoughts and concerns about domestic violence against women. I will revisit this site because this is an issue that is close to my heart, and I want to be able to help as many women overcome domestic violence as humanly possible.

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